As things “return to normal” it appears my old familiar friend  is returning in the form of some HI ANXIETY.  This is great news because it tells us Coronageddon must almost be over (sarcasm) and we will be back to our January programming soon!  If you were watching this show back then, you’ll know that this period was not awesome for me. I went back and re read a very long post (you can see it HERE) that I almost didn’t publish that was the culmination of a couple months worth of anxiety and chasing. It wasn’t pretty. I’m trying hard not to get there again. 

For the past 3 weeks or so that staticky hum has returned. It feels like 3 too many cups of coffee, except without any coffee. I feel like I’d really like to stop and lay flat on my back somewhere, anywhere really, and “pull it together”.  I’d prefer a return to quarantine stillness. 

Most of the times I notice this hum, I plow through. This time I’m trying, with limited successes, to ask why, to harness what, to find a way through that helps to calm.  Deliberately slowing down and even stopping whatever I am doing to get to the bottom of it. 

What I keep seeing is a lack of confidence in some of my decisions. Not doubting if I am doing write or wrong, but questioning if I’ve done things correctly or at all. It feels like I’m missing deadlines, even when I’m ahead of them. It’s second guessing things a lot. It’s open loops everywhere even when they are closed. 

I alluded to OPEN LOOP THEORY at some point over these last gazillion posts, but I’m not breaking the flow to go find the exact post. The idea is pretty simple. Things we don’t complete are open loops and cause us anxiety. It’s the same feeling as “things hanging over your head,” just with a fancier name. Usually with open loops, when we close them we get relief. Today I feel like that even when I close them they are still left open. The control feeling we get when we accomplish things on our to do list and the like is erased and I am left second guessing if I even did it right. So it adds to the hum when it should be calming it. Fuckery is what it is. 

Some will wonder why I feel the need to share things like this. Others will say I need to talk with someone. I’m not diminishing either. For me the sharing calms a little. I’m also always hopeful that there’s someone out there that needs to know that if they feel this it’s okay. That it’s not abnormal. That it’s likely, in fact, the normal. 

Today I commit to stop. To lay down if I need and to reel it in. To have confidence that the things I’ve done have been done well and that I can move on from them.

I hope you can too. 

#hugsandhi5s