I was crashing through the remnants of Sunday night. A song in my head. It hit 4:06. A time I’d usually just surrender to and get up, but I balked and grasped another 80 minutes of sleep. This is an exception so I should be thankful but I’m internally pushing against the low hum of anxiety. I am aware in my sleep that nothing that is pressing matters, yet also know the only thing that quells it is to rise up. That standing evens the heart rate and brings peace to the racing mind. This seems unfair. This is also the truth. I swing my legs around and the swish of calloused feet on hard wood is the next sound I hear. 

The song I had playing on repeat, a cover of The Modern Leper, by a  Scottish band, Biffy Clyro , of another Scottish Band, Frightened Rabbit seems fitting. The first verse playing over and over on repeat. “A cripple walks amongst you all you tired human beings...”.  It skips to the chorus. 

Is that you? 

In front of me

Coming back for even more

Exactly the same

You must be, a masochist

To love a modern leper.On his last leg

On his last leg

My two legs under me. I stumble around in the coffee free moments of the day. Awaiting the fix that seems to smooth things out. 

After a perfunctory inventory of the morning, the anxiety doesn’t seem to match the challenges of the day. The kids say “it bes like that sometimes.” and so I let it be. A second cup of coffee and the valet motions of getting my wife to work and realize that I’m not coming down with a mental affliction. Last night in a last ditch effort to battle the pollen that rages against my sinuses, I took a decongestant. Really just a little over the counter meth. Mental breakdown averted. It’s time to start the day. 

I actually chuckle at the humor in it. At 5:27 I was a wreck, 32 mins later, the mystery solved. My focus is realigned and I’m open to the possibilities of the day. I know it’s not always that easy, but I’ll take it. A win is a win. Like I tell my kids that I coach. You need to be ahead at the tape. Not a second before. Learning how to race is just as important as being fast. Probably more so. 

The second verse finally clicks in my head as I pour the second cup of coffee. It was the only thing. Holding me up. 

I've crippled your heart a hundred times

And still can't work out why

See, I've got this disease, I can't shake

And I'm just rattling through life

Well, oh, this is how we do things now

This is how the modern stay scared

So I cut out all the good stuff

Yeah, I cut of my foot to spite my leg

Is that you in front of me

Coming back for even more of exactly the same?

You must be a masochist

To love a modern leper on his last leg

I am ill but I'm not dead

And I don't know which of those I'd prefer

Because that limb which I have lost

It was the only thing holding me up

Holding me up

#hugsandhi5s