It’s been 45 days since I’ve done any sort of meaningful training. I mean a run here and a swim there, I’ve thought about it, but I’ve done nothing. It’s okay I guess. I mean I did a lot of exercise 46 days ago so it’s not like I’ve gone total sweatpants. Really it’s more like 15 days over which I have been sick and been a part of 3 giant races, so really, all is not lost. I took off a month to heal and recover after Ironman and then found myself in the belly of race season being digested by no sleep and more troubling, wondering if I was just done with triathlon completely. I still don’t know and I still don’t want to. For someone who’s built a life around a group of specific activities. This is troubling. 

There’s two directions this post started going this morning. One was about the natural ebb and flow of training and how this lull is just part of how it goes. The other direction is a full on questioning and wonder of if I even want to do this anymore, or rather, what really motivates me to do this. 

I get so many benefits from training and I know this period of questioning will too pass. It’s a symptom of 2 years of mostly training alone and uninspired racing combined with a deeper realization that self fabricated bad assery is flat and unfulfilling. I can exercise long. Great. This doesn’t make me heroic. It makes me stubborn and persistent. Neither of which are a super power, and one of which can be annoying. 

It’s brought a deeper question of what my goals are and deeper still, why do I want to accomplish them. If I’m honest, the reasons that have been surfacing are lame and as stated, leave me unfulfilled and provide more questions than answers. 

When we fail to glean satisfaction why bother to do continue to do something?  This is a tough one, but it keeps coming back. I think for years I’ve done a lot of things because that’s what I said I was about, and really on most days, I am about it. This morning in December, I’m not. I mean I am still about helping others through a healthy lifestyle based around clean eating and exercise, but I’m questioning how that manifests itself in my life. For me. If I’m going to be a member of this cult of narcissistic assholes, aka triathletes, I should at least get some benefits

As we approach 2020 I imagine a lot of us are having these inner monologues.  I’m lucky in that despite 45 days “off”, I won’t allow myself to just quit. That’s not lost on me. I have too much at stake to allow that. What this current state of questioning should prove is how very difficult it is to make change in our lives. I have some things I know I probably should do or at the least think that I want to do. Strength train more, make adjustments to my running so I can get back to where I feel I am capable, maybe swim the English Channel in 2021. Goals that will require change for sure. 

What I’m failing to do is come up with any real reason why I want to do those. For health? Personal well being? Perceived greatness and recognition?  A lot of flatness is what it feels like. 

What I want to do is nothing but sit here and drink coffee and sleep. So maybe I’m still tired from the last month of work. 

Like most anyone who’s been a prolific exerciser, sometimes you hit a pot hole and it flattens both tires on one side.  You pull over and look and think, “I only have one spare..”  That’s what this morning feels like. One spare and two flats.  

This too shall pass. I just pass it along to let you know that even the guy who a sponsor referred to over the weekend as “everything running!” questions why he should bother doing it. Why it matters and what’s next. 

I guess the difference is just that I’ll get up and go run today while I figure it out. 

Well, after this coffee. 

#hugsandhi5s