Yesterday I started and stopped writing an email three or four times. I had some things I wanted to explain and let people know where I was on a bunch of topics we had been discussing. I ended up deleting all of them. It’s not that I didn’t have a point to get across, it’s that as I kept reading what I was writing, I realized I had a lot of work to do on me. It was a reminder that what I want to happen is tied to my actions, not those of others. 

Yesterday I mentioned going back and re-reading posts from the last 5 months. Truth is, I went even further back. My first blogging experience was in 2007. I wrote about 25 posts about my 32 mile swim. There was a lot of mundane recap and sick brags of how much yardage I was putting in, but there was also the beginnings of what the next 12 years would be.  Questions. Struggle. Uncertainty. Life. 

As much as I sometimes think I’ve changed, the more I realize I haven’t answered or come to terms with the same damn questions I’ve been asking myself for over a decade. This is equal parts infuriating and if focus is applied, a reminder of the opportunity to change. It shows me just how difficult it is to change and how stubborn and unwilling we are to get uncomfortable and do it. 

We need constant reminders.  Daily, hourly, shit, every 5 minutes. The inclination is to beat ourselves up about this, and that’s about as useful as a three wheeled car. 

But if we are giving ourselves a break and not beating ourselves up about it, do we actually make any changes?  I’m living proof of no. That’s enormously frustrating. 

This is where the next first step rears it’s ugly head again. Identify what you need to change and define the very first step to making progress and do it.  And the next and the next. Build momentum. Hopefully chip away. Hopefully see improvement. Change. 

Before I go about telling anyone else what I think I should have/get/do/be, I’m going to look at that list and  see what I can change on my own. How much is my own fault? And set constant reminders to work on that first. 

The mirror holds everything you need to start.  

#hugsanhi5s