My life is an arbitrary competition. What I mean is that everything is open to it. This week I noticed at swim practice that despite my efforts and ideas on wanting to do an easy day, when then main set arrives a switch is flipped and I just want to push me and everyone around me. I do it with everything though. Just now I looked up and I had 26 minutes and I challenged myself to write a post in that amount of time. A race, against me. For no reason. I immediately accepted. 

I’d like to think this racing streak was a deep seated desire to win. Some sort of Michael Jordan-esque drive to be the best in the world at something. It’s not that. I mean it kind of is but winning never seems to be the goal. Pushing, punishing and being uncomfortable does. But not real discomfort. Selective. I don’t go run all out all the time because I’m not a great runner. I’m slightly above average swimming and riding so there. Yes. It’s a bizarre combination in that I kinda want to win, but maybe lack the gifts to so I’ll just push instead and drag anyone else I can along for the ride. 

One of my deepest wants and drivers is a belief that I’ve only once or twice in my life been able to look back on training and or work and say. “I did that to 100% of my ability. I am fulfilled with both the effort and the results.”  That’s in a word. Exhausting. It’s probably part of why I write. To push out some of the discontent of a job done “pretty well”.  The thing is it‘s not a lack of effort some of the time. It’s the lizard brain I was born with that keeps adding and adding and going on tangents. Excuses, are still like assholes it appears. 

I don’t allow one focus and so I  don’t get one focus results. This isn’t a complaint. It’s just true. I reap other benefits of this. I am marginally good at a lot of things and enjoy many. But in the back of the mind the want to be some version of the best drives on. 

The other reality is that quite simply, it’s hard to break habits. I should probably be going outside and lifting weights instead of riding my bike. This would yield more bike results, but habits are what they are. We do what we like. A short laugh with friends on the bike before suffering for a couple hours is a payoff I give myself. I think it’s called “fun” but I’ll get back to you on that. 

26 minutes. Could I fill them with a post worth sending. An arbitrary race against myself for no other reason that I thought of it. That’s the other thing. Once I think of some internal “race” I can’t ignore it. Whole30. Sure. Write everyday?  Yep. Start another company. Uh huh. I’m your huckleberry. The peanut butter of my life spread so thin that the bread starts to tear. 

But I got this done in 14 mins for my first big win of the day. So maybe its a trait worth having. 

Be great today. 

#hugsandhi5s