I already wrote about hurricanes in the last few months. I mean I’m not even bothering with any sort of preparedness. It’s the 6th time this year that Louisiana has fallen inside the cone of (im)probability. School has been cancelled and reopened and I’m just keeping a reasonable amount of beer on hand at all times. We aren’t ignoring it, we will just consider it is as what happens on Fridays in these trying times. 

Onward to more intriguing things. 

For the last year or so, I’ve used the time from 4:30-5:30 as a decompression of sorts. I sit in the dark. I drink coffee. I scan the news and I write and then go work out. I started it as a way to fend off just rolling end over end down the hills of overcommitment and anxiety. It’s been good for me in a lot of ways. Of late, I’ve been questioning that notion. 

Of late, I’ve been eliminating morning workouts for more mid day and afternoon ones, with varying successes. I seem to be trying to “get calm” by sitting around longer and delaying the onset of the morning. I’m not sure it’s the right strategy anymore.  Chasing calm is a nice notion, but I’ve either got to get up a lot earlier or set a level of “calm enough”. Adding more coffee and time crunch to my day disguised as “getting my mind right”, ain’t getting it done. 

Part of this is being goalless on the physical front. I say goalless, but that’s not totally accurate. I have some, they just aren’t stoking the coals most days. I stated some things I wanted to accomplish by the time I’m 50, but I’m 261 days from that and none of those are getting me off the couch. This is what happens when you sit down and decide on “goals” that have no emotional tie to them. 

Maybe “emotional tie” is wrong, but these goals feel arbitrary and non binding. On the athletic front I have little to prove to the world because, let’s face it, no one cares if I don’t. Yes I should want to achieve on my own accord and be a good example but after trying to do that for 20 years, it’s not getting me all jazzed up. See. What kind of motivation is “jazzed up”.  Not much. 

The moral of the story is I’m going to try a different morning strategy. To attack the day a little more while still giving myself some dark centering time. There’s always work of all sorts to get done.  I’m not going to obsess. Just balance (6 letter kryptonite of the driven).

Times like these require a return to the old legal pad and pencil. To sit with it. To (re)define the things I think I want and then to go back and ask why I want them. If they pass the test, I’ll do my best to apply a plan to them and start again. 

It’s always, always, always, about starting. 

#hugsandhi5s