I had no intent on writing today hence yesterday’s pre-emotive strike, but while  I was sitting here this morning I remembered how morose I was last year on my birthday. I walked around in a quite “nobody talk to me” funk. This morning I’m trying to remember why.  

It wasn’t a bout of depression or over the top anxiety I don’t think. It’s like I tried to downplay myself into it. Ignore the day like it wasn’t happening. Like a self inflicted seriousness about nothing.  Put on like a high school attitude, milking the “artist” in me for affect?

Sometimes we do that to ourselves. We make the world more than it has to be. Some days we need reminding that it’s all a bit much. 

As we all age some of us approach birthdays with a tenacity. Declaring weeks and months our birthday. In post college life we used to celebrate birthday weeks, and it was rough on the liver. No doubt fun, but in the “file under excessive” category, those weeks ranked at the top. Couple that with the fact that we were a friend group of nine bachelors who worked in bars and restaurants and you got a week of celebration damn near monthly. Nobody said we were smart. Committed. Yes. 

Back to last year. I remember walking around all day being super quiet. Like if I cowered or shrank myself enough, no one would notice it was my birthday.  Some sort of poor birthday martyr, sacrificing personal interactions and attaboys for something. I’m not sure what. 

At the same time I felt a pulling in my chest to let it be my birthday. To celebrate something.  Some strange internal battle of feeling sorry for myself for getting old and wanting to have a great time. 

Human beings are so stupid. 

Anyhow, today I’m forty nine years old. I’m still referred to as a kid by my mom and her friends. I still feel like the eternal freshman to all my friends who are at least 4 years older and I still mostly can’t believe I’m here and still figuring it all out. I missed that class at LSU where they handed out the “YOU TOO CAN BE AN ADULT” manuals. 

Today I’ll cherish being older. I won’t shrink away. I’ll have fun. 

Thanks to you all for reaching out to me today and reading when you can. Know that is a great gift. This is your reminder to celebrate your next birthday with tenacity!  You’re alive jackass!  Be happy!

51 years to go. 

#hugsandhi5s