AM I STILL WHO I SAY I AM?
It used to happen in one motion. The alarm's almost silent two pings. The beginning of a favorite song, "All these things that I've done" turned off as the feet slide around and hit the floor. Halfway to the kitchen before realizing what day it is. Before considering what's to be done. Over time, it's changed. No overarching goals. A long exited writing habit. No feeling of purpose. The ebb and flow of anxious.
The art of question lies not in just the "why?" we are in certain places in time. In the justification, excuse making, and explaining away. "How "we've arrived to "where" matters just as much. Maybe more. "When" we are going to leave and head back towards "where" we want to be. The question as art is maybe a stretch. But anything that can be all consuming has to be considered more than just a condition of life.
Of late, the Picasso of questions I've been asking myself is this.
"Am I still about the things I've spent 20 years saying I'm about?" Or more simply put. Am I still who I say I am.
Am I still who I say I am?
Part of the human condition is this art. This questioning. It's considering not only who we are, but how we go to the places we create in our brains. Places that don't necessarily exist unless we create them. This is complicated. How do I get to a place I've essentially created from nothing, that is a creation of my own doing. A thing we loosely define as success. Further. How will I feel once (if) I get there?
That last paragraph is a lot. The whole idea is. Alas, this is where I've been residing of late. I won't say it's been easy but as they say. "Nobody said this would be easy."
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A friend of mine is getting divorced. It's been hard for them as all divorce is. On a run we were talking about relationships, those that go on for 20 years and I began kind of free babbling about a notion that I've come to consider. About changing. I think about where I was 23 years ago. Unfocused, abusing most any chemical I could. I think about who I mostly was back then and I consider who I was and what I was about. 3 years later I was moving towards being a completely different person. Married, a kid on the way, getting healthy and starting my own business. I think about how I attacked being in the health business. Which is essentially what I was doing. While the outside seemed like a 180 degree turn, the inside felt the same. I remained the person I was 3 short years prior. Just packaged differently. I said to my friend that it seemed that the relationships that made it had a level of acceptance that the person could change completely and still be a lot of the same. Further, that to think we could possibly be the same person for 20+ years wasn't realistic. I've cut myself up into 20 year sections. If I were to have remained the same, I'd still be "running to the border" and ordering a Mexican Pizza, 2 beef meximelts and a chicken soft taco at least once a week. I'd be almost violently opinionated on how wrong your musical opinions were. I'd not have believed I wanted kids and I would likely be an addict of some sort. So yeah. Change is possible.
What I've also come to consider of late, is that we can lose the luster of anything we've become. That maybe we should. Or at least we should be open to it.
Am I still who I say I am?
The last 20 years has seen me position myself as some sort of pillar of "healthy living". A runner. A triathlete. A swimmer that swims long distances. A guy who chastises you for eating like garbage. Holding myself to what I decided were higher standards. Higher expectations. Higher goals. I've enjoyed it. A lot. Like most of you though, I've spent a good portion of time considering what I want my life to look like.
A big part of this has been questioning my goal setting. Do I want to continue to "do the things I do"? For a long time I've done triathlons. Ironman. Over anything, triathlon has been the constant. My jobs make racing difficult. I'm lucky to get in one a year. This makes for keeping at it difficult. Do I still need these goals for the daily to matter?
I've considered trying to swim the English Channel. A goal I've thought about for a very long time. For the life of me I can't conjure up enough energy to find a value in it. I know that one second after I had completed it, the pride and feeling of completions would disappear. This makes me question and consider if any goals really matter. Of course there's value to the daily. But in the end am I just wanting to look cool to the outside world?
Am I still who I say I am?
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After all of the I above l have landed on. I am.
I am mostly who I've spent the last 20 years trying to become. What used to be a quest to make people eat better has shifted a little to make them try to be better. To become their better. Eating right will always be a part of that.
I'm still motivated to get up. To run long miles. To ride. To swim. The crew we built over time has ebbed and flowed and a lot of times I do it on my own. I still think it's important. I still find a lot of satisfaction in helping others see that.
I'll still set hard physical goals, because for me, life needs measuring. Measuring against my previous bests. Measuring against the field. Measuring my limits. I'll still set big goals knowing that upon reaching them I'll have to set more. I learned that the satisfaction of goals isn't of the final achievement but in the daily. That's what lasts. I know I'm better at everything when I'm physical and when I push. And so I will. I can't explain why it's important to me but it is. That can be enough.
The biggest "I am still" though comes in something I gave up for a long time. Music. I've been playing music since I was 16. I spent my twenties doing that and That part of me is coming to the forefront again. Clearly as much as we change. We stay the same.
Finally, I'm a writer. I write things. This is important. I stop and start this but it remains. I'm setting new goals with it, and dedicating the time to it. Hopefully you'll see more of it.
Are you still who you say you are?
#hugsandhi5s
