I used to think that if I just ”thought” hard enough, I could come up with ideas. That isn’t how this works I’m afraid. Like everything for me. It works by doing it. By letting it happen. Especially when I think it can’t. But that’s everything right? Most things forced don’t turn out as well as the ones we give space to occur.
Ideas, solutions, answers to the things that trouble us. They all need that space to come to life. I think I believe this, but now, with all the space and time to create, I find little inspiration and little motivation. 1994 Alannis Morissette would call this irony. I call it an aggravating coincidence.
I’ve had five weeks to write the next great rock album and so far, haven’t. 35 days, give or take, to work on this aging back and build some strength. I remain crooked. A month and change to tackle one of the 113 household projects I need to get done. So far, I’ve power washed half the driveway.
It’s called stress, and just because there’s not all the old stress lurking about, don’t think for a moment there’s not a new kind. I’ll call it the stress of the unknown.
Wednesday I awoke agitated. I started to open a page and wrote but knew it would be a bitch fest and have done my best to not do that. I got on my bike and went for a ride. I loathed every pedal stroke and came back no better off.
Have you ever been so edgy that every song on your own playlists annoys you? I kept hitting skip for an a half hour and finally just worked in silence for the rest of the day.
At some point I just accepted that this is how it was going to be and kept powering through but there was a dull hum of dissatisfaction buzzing in the background all day. It lasted until bedtime and I just resolved to try again the next day.
THAT is what this whole thing feels like on a lot of days. A dull hum of the unknown. I bounce between a positive “wait and see” juxtaposed against walking around slamming my shins into trailer hitches. Each solution left in limbo without the actions needed to bring things forward.
For me. I’ve just had to say “Okay.” I mean it’s not “okay”, okay, but if I string together back to back to back days like Wednesday, I might quit showering. I mean I’ve been close to buying a family sized box of Lucky Charms cereal and just going to townbfar too many times in the last month already. A trip to self loathing lane would be right around the corner.
By “okay”, I mean I’m giving myself a break to not have to have the solution, when no one has said to solve for “x” yet. There is no end in sight, there is no “returning to normal” and if I here “new normal” or “normal with social distancing,” I’m gonna start cussing out strangers.
My “okay” is not just accepting that there aren’t any answers. It’s also accepting that there’s no timeline and no plan and no knowing. It’s being okay with drinking a little more than I should and knowing that yeah, some people are able to turn this angst into “rock hard tasty abs,” but that I, am not.
Over time I’ve done a lot of telling you “what you need to know”. It’s my own little “I’m okay, you’re okay” method. Over the past almost two years I’ve told you I’m depressed, that I’ve had a suicidal thought, that I hate Jimmy Buffet , Nickelback and Guy Fieri, but then gone back and said I really don’t care if you like them and that they are probably okay dudes. I’ve questioned myself over and over in broad daylight for you all to see. I’ve said I’m unworthy and then very worthy and taken credit and bragged and taken none and self deprecated. I’ve shared too much and baffled my friends and family who ask “don’t you think you’re saying too much?” I’ve justified to myself and to others that I do it so that you will know that the things you think are okay. That we all think them and that maybe by me saying them aloud, someone somewhere will get even a moments relief from the questions they ask of themselves.
Some would argue I must have a pretty high opinion of myself or that I buy my own bullshit. I’ve come to accept that that is okay
Today’s version of what you need to know is this.
Right now, maintaining is enough. Not knowing is okay, and that we are all going to figure it out. Just not on our timeline. Forcing that is impossible and will likely just add more stress to your life.
That’s what you need to know today.
Tomorrow it may be something else.
#hugsandhi5s
