1000 TIMES
About once a week, or every day about 1000 times, I have a thought. I just need to stop. Slow down. Write down what it is I think I want, prioritize, plan, rethink. 1000 times, I keep plummeting through life. Ticking a box with an outstretched hand as I fly by, addressing another thing with a nod to the other side. Speed, ever gaining, like flying downhill, hands full of the brakes, the wheels, squeeling, a bit of smoke (no need to be alarmed), faster and faster. The tunnel scene from the 1971 classic, Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory buzzing in my head. Gene Wilder, crazed, “FASTER!!!FASTER!!!FASTER!!!”, followed by, “There’s no earthly way of knowing, exactly where the boat is going.” Every. Day.
I jokingly think that I have a rare condition known as “AOADHD”. The AO standing for “adult onset”. I don’t ever recall being as all over the place as a kid, in high school, in college. I do remember a time in 1998 or so when the band I was in was struggling and in a moment, I had completely renamed it, and it all made sense, a perfect vision of a way forward. I think this was a shiny thing moment. A line in the sand I remember, the excitement of a completely new direction, unknown.
“There’s now earthly way of knowing, exactly where the boat is going.”
I want to go that way.
//
The religious folks talk of seasons a lot. I don't like it. I mean, I get it. It's a decent way of explaining moving from a period of time where things are one way and seem to hang there for a bit, on to a new time period where things, ideally would improve. The insensitive in me says stop it. It feels dramatic. Created to amplify rather than reduce. To be fair, because I'm not super religious, I tend to be intolerant of the things that annoys me. I guess if describing the year after you lost a parent as a stormy season works for you then go ahead.
I just guess in my world. The leaves don't change and the storms. Remain. (Ill see your drama and raise you...more drama).
Squirrel. Tangent. Rant. Return.
//
Did I ever tell you about the time I went to an actual psychiatrist to see if I had "the shine". It was 2008 or so and per the usual. I was chasing. A friend recommend the brother of a friend of mine. He said he'd fix me up. I was cautiously optimistic/excited. Was there a way to harness these super powers? To become? I scheduled the appointment and went.
Unlike therapy, there was little talking. Perfunctory questions and statements. "Do you drink lots of coffee? Alcohol?" A little of this. A little of that. You have ADD at the least, maybe more. Here's a prescription, keep me posted.
Me. Reluctant. Fills it and begins.
After a week, nothing. A call, "take two then", another week. Nothing. A change in pharmaceuticals, nothing, an increase, nothing, a statement.
"Most of the time this works. You're already over the max I'll prescribe. We can try something else."
No thanks. I'll figure it out. Perhaps it's just a season.
And here we are. Figuring.
Waiting for the leaves to change.
//
I'm not sure I've shared that with many before but from time to time I get well wishers who message me, concerned. They tell me there's medications out there that work. I don't doubt it. My experiences do not bring confidence.
They tell me that if I only had religion and turned my trust to God that I'd find solace. I think to myself that it's brain chemistry. I am happy for people of faith, but faith seems ill equipped to battle biology.
//
I think back and try and remember the times when I didn't spin as much. Or at the least, when the shining was more positive. When it was pure energy and not just wanton acceleration. What were the scenarios? What was happening?
The most recent pocket of calm for me was 2020. When the world shut down. Of course there was some trepidation of the unknown, what would happen to my businesses? Would i lose it all? As the days went on I felt more and more calm.
Calm.
I learned that I can't do all the things. That too many inputs cripple. That the world we'd created was terrible for us. More. More. More.
Days of simple tasks. Ample time with the ones we loved. Walking the dogs. A spring that seemed to go on through June.
An unpopular opinion. I'll say it out loud. It felt good.
To be clear it wasn't the Coronageddon. It was the unintended consequence. I did 3, 1000 piece puzzles for fuck's sake.
And I want to go back to there. To the unintended calm it created in me.
//
So yes. I realize that there are things like medication and therapy and faith that work great for people. I will never judge that. Truly. I see a value in talking with others about who we are and what we are dealing with and to be honest, perhaps I'll do that again one day.
In the meantime, my goal is to simply reduce. To tackle less. To make space upstairs for the things that slow me down. I don't know yet if or how that will actually work, but if you've learned nothing from these pages over the last few years, I will be doing it my way.
This way is often the harder one. I swear it's not to create more drama. I try the ways of others, but over time. Always merge back.
For better or worse i always return. To. My. Way.
#hugsandhi5s
