I started writing a blog back in 2006-2007 as a way to chronicle an athletic endeavor. When I go back and look at those entries now a couple of thing come to mind. First, it’s clear that social media didn’t exist or at the least hadn’t started to proliferate our lives as much. I say this because the posts from back then were longer, there seemed to be no need to be concise (there probably still isn’t) and I went on and on. Don’t get me wrong. They aren’t terrible. I’m just internally amazed that I could write that long. It speaks of uninterrupted time. Also there was no plan of frequency. I updated when i felt like it. Usually every few days.

The other thing that is immediately evident is that I am still looking for the same things in my life and not finding them. Maybe I need a new set of questions.

Finally, updates on swim workouts are terrible. It’s the stuff that makes people hate people who work out. It’s part showing off and the other part...well showing off some more. I try to be a little more self aware and still drop some douchiness from time to time. Sorry. Not sorry.

14 years, give or take, of doing this in some form. Same questions. Not many answers but at the least. More acceptance. That’s the big difference. These days I accept that the questions probably will never get answered but keep mulling them anyway. Just not with any desperation to figure them out. This creates a positive vibe (to me) about the internal debate.

When I was 35 I feel like I still had much of the angst of my 20’s. Like I had tried to kill the questions with drinking and anger and come out the other side of the class only to see the same problems written on the board. Like some sort of repeat college dream where you realize you haven’t been to class for the whole semester and then on the day you go to drop the class you realize the drop deadline was the day prior. That’s what 35 felt like.

49 year old me still has a lot of the angst but a lot less of the internal anger. I mean I get mad at people for eating like shit constantly and making light of it as “just how it is”, and I still have an unhealthy hate of Kenny Chesney, but for the most part the corners have been rounded off. Less a lack of energy for it than a realization that I can’t change a lot of things so I do other things. Goddamn. This sounds like being an adult.

This morning, though, I’m mostly content. This just means that I must need to tell you about me swimming long distances or post up my workouts. A little douchiness to add some corners to the angst.

#hugsandhi5s