Nov 5

Nov 5 I WISH

When I was a kid I wished that my name were Kevin. I’m not sure I verbalized this and made a strong push to get my parents to take me down to the courthouse or anything, but that’s what I wanted. Looking back, I don’t recall the post name change interactions of me explaining calmly to the teachers that henceforth they should call me Kevin, so while it was something I wished for, I clearly didn’t dig in fully. There were star crunches to eat.

In 6th grade this girl in my class returned from summer vacation with a new name. She has decided over the summer to go by her middle name. This caused great confusion. We were pretty damn sure she was the same girl but for the first couple of weeks the doubt was great and we weren’t entirely sure. I remember judging her heavily. “You can’t just change your name during the summer!!” She apparently could. I could not.

I wished for a lot of things over my life, made deals with a God I didn’t really believe in to get the things I wanted, those wishes mostly unfulfilled, driving a wedge further between me and faith. A reasonable way to explore faith for sure. I wished to win a Video Music Award for a video I hadn’t made and therefore, God and religion are bunk. ‘97 me was rigid that way.

When I was also in 5-6th grade someone, likely another 11 year old, informed me that you could keep a horse in your back yard. We had a big back yard and I remember wishing I had a horse. This wish I actually took next level and laid out my argument to my parents, mostly that it wasn’t illegal. My parents of course shut that down with a “You’re not getting a horse.” I remember actually working myself up into quite a froth over it. I had never ridden a horse. It just seemed like something I needed. So I wished.

I still sometimes find myself wishing for ridiculousness. Fame. To win the lottery (while never buying tickets). Booming business. For the body of my (your) dreams. Just like the 12 year old me, your God curses me and makes me like beer more, thwarting my six pack abs and chiseled chest.

It turns out though that all of the things I wished for (besides the lottery and VMA) might be possible, with work, and diligence (BORRRRING). I imagine I could chip in on a horse and go ride it every month or so if I wanted, but riding a horse ain’t all what 12 year old me thought it was. Though, “horse time share” sounds like a decent business model if any of you out there are looking to cash in and have some horses wasting half their days standing around.

Age steals the joy of making ridiculous wishes. Of believing anything is possible. The “daily” grind squeezing the last glimmer of that chance that we might could do it before we even give it a chance. I think this is why I still say yes to trying things that no one believes in but me. Youth is fueled by this wishing and I don’t think we should ever let it go. Letting it go is buying plain front Dockers and worrying about our portfolios. It kills that little fire in us one twig at a time until there’s a pile of ash and we’ve relegated ourselves to being adults. I desperately wish to instill this wishing in my kids so that they never let it go. To stop the rush to grow up, as it’s a lot of work trying to go back.

Kevin Fellows has a nice ring to it. Maybe I’ll pick up some star crunches on the way to the courthouse.

#hugsandhi5s