2 HOURS
Just as things change. They remain the same. Though it used to seem so, this thing. Is. Not. Easy.
For most of 2019-February of 2021, I defied that notion. It was easy. It wasn't always good, but it came out of me like a faucet. Words. Ideas. Stories.
Yes. I know that consistency matters and that iron sharpens iron or some shit, but when something comes easy for a long time and then doesn't anymore, the whys don't matter. The lack is what you land on and lack sharpens lack. It's just how it goes.
Today I started with a hundred or so words that started weaving it's way forward towards a full on update on my life over the last 90 days or so. As the words shriveled and died like our houseplants, I lie out loud, "I watered them!". The dirt dry and rocky, spitting out the roots of some unsuspecting succulent that was deemed unkillable from the hippy chick at the store.
I haven't watered them at all.
This world I've created here on the World Wide Web tends to be a space of self flagellation. A place where I spew forth about my shortcomings. I fight back against the need to do exactly what I am doing now. To talk out loud about why I'm not doing the thing that I am at that moment, doing.
Trust me when I say this exhausts me more than it exhausts you.
Same as it ever was.
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The valleys I tend to fall in though have been, for the most part, avoided. No big crashes but also no big highs. What settled in its place is a "just enough" lethargy. The fog has many forms. This is one I'm just becoming more aware of. It's not the best. It's not the worst. It just is.
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This little writing excursion started on June 2nd at 6:53 a.m. out of me saying enough was enough. I was going to write today and I was going to give myself two hours to do it. To just hammer out something. Anything. Thirty-three days later and I came back and added the last two sentences. As it sits right now, I'm not 100% sure if it will see the light of day. We are still just at the beginning I think.
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I met with a friend the other day. He, on the upslope of his own business. The possibilities limitless. It's exciting to watch. Me. On another side working through what it feels like are the constant hits of the service industry.
As I chose my words and listened to myself speak I fought off one overarching feeling. This is all, excuse. We all can control so much but most days we allow ourselves to be controlled. To put off. To hope things will work out. This isn't how it works. We must control what we can. Sure, there will still be things we can't fit into our little boxes, but if we are spending the time to define and control what we can, there's usually not as much time for what we can't.
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If this feels all over the place it's because it is. Today I said I would finish something. A post. An idea. No excuses for that which I can control.
I'll see how long I can keep that going.
#higsandhi5s
