JOY

Did you know that HOT is a super easy mistake to make when trying to type the word JOY? Some days I'm fascinated by the proximity of wrong letters typed and the words they produce. For the life of me I can't remember anything but "ducking" but that's a really poor example of what I'm talking about. HOT/JOY is a better example as the words aren't just a juxtaposition of one letter or an autocorrect to keep the bad words away. In a fit of fast key strokes, HOT comes up and is a momentary delight. A simple moment of the word it was supposed to be, and what this whole mornings post may be about. The quest for and soaking in of, joy. 

A friend asked me a while back if I found joy in anything. I paused briefly to walk the dogs two miles and chimed in with some of these obvious things. My family, dogs, writing and interacting with those who find value in said writing, playing music, pushing myself physically through working out, and doing for others. Pretty solid list I think, but yet my days can feel joyless. I wondered which one it was. Am I joyless or surrounded by joy?

Like everything it's both. While I mostly think in black and white absolutes, I also feel like I'm at the least mildly self aware and thankful for the many great things I have in my life. Additionally, "joy" is usually a momentary feeling, right? It's like a warm flood of endorphins or enzymes or some sort of tingly hormone thingy. If we are aware and open to it we can feel it wash over us just like the doom of anxiety. It just doesn't last as long and if we are fighting the above, it can get lost in the shuffle. 

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Is it joy or is it happiness?  This seems like a strange distinction but the more I think about it, the more differences there are between the two. To me you can be unhappy and still feel the flush of joy. Happiness is a state? Right?  Joy is a reaction, a feeling, an instinctual reaction to something. Joy is what triggers the tears. Happiness is something we strive (mostly unsuccessfully) for. I don't think this is just semantics. 

Buying a guitar will make me happy (two posts out of  the last three laying solid groundwork for guitar buying!) but writing and performing a song that elicits a reaction from another person or group of people with said guitar brings joy. Related, but different. 

Maybe we've just got our priorities screwed up (SHOCKER!).  Perhaps instead of a pursuit of happiness we should be striving for an awareness of the moments of joy we can experience. 

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A lot of times I get to points in these posts where the point has been mostly made, where the next paragraph won't come and the idea is done. It's almost always positioned against the need to get to a "word count".  A magical made up finish line that lets me say "this is good enough". I only explain this now as while writing the first parts of this, I felt like an interloper. Again. I couldn't put my finger on why I felt the need to keep pressing when the above felt like it had run it's course. 

It's because it hadn't. 

I've recently been having a pretty rough go of things lately and made the statement that I don't find joy in anything much these days.  This is actually what depression feels like. That despite knowing you have an incredibly great life, you can't work around to feeling joy about it. This morning on my run, I made a sort of realization. It's not that I find no joy in things. It's that I don't show or feel any happiness. 

How can that be you ask?  Simple. Joy cuts through. and you feel it.  I do even on my darkest days. Happiness or further, positive satisfaction is a longer lasting  mood state we all seem to chase but that is, even without struggle, nearly impossible to sustain. It's why "things" (other than guitars of course) will never fulfill us. 

I spoke with a friend on New Year's Eve about this very thing. He is on all accounts, massively successful with a solid family, business, etc. and yet he can't enjoy it. Why are we like this?

A glaring thought comes straight out to me. The things we think will bring us happiness usually don't. Material things, "success" on society's terms, more more more. 

What we want is quiet. What we want is clarity. What we need is less. 

It's why searching for some sort of mindfulness or similar, matters. It's why quiet walks matter. It's why relationships and time spent with others matter. 

I don't have a tidy wrap up for this today. Just a reminder to let the joy happen and soak it when it does. 

#hugsandhi5s